Friday, April 13, 2018

Liar.

Be careful,
She's a liar.
She lies most of the time.

She has the most beautiful smile you've ever seen.
She can make you fall in love with her.
She bedazzles you, every single time you look at her.

But be careful, she knows she can hide her secrets behind her sweet smile.

She lies about being okay.
But she is slowly killing herself from within,
Counting days to drop dead,
And lost without a trace.

She lies about not caring.
But her heart screams for things
That she knows she wants,
But will never be hers.

She lies about forgetting.
But she remembers everything,
Every little hurtful words,
And fights that scars her heart.

She lies about letting things go.
But she knows that she can't.
How could she?
There are evidence of wounds,
From the things that hurt her.

Her biggest lie was,
"I'm happy."
How can she?
Her soul is no longer feeling any happiness.
She tried making others happy,
But she's hurting herself.

Little that she knows,
The petty little things that she said doesn't matter,
Are the ones that scars her the most.

She tries to find beauty in all the pain she's facing,
But she's failing.

p/s: Is there an end to all these?

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Crush.

I now know the problem.
It wasn't because the way you hurt me.
It was because I trusted that you won't, yet you still do.

That was why I was so broken,
That I woke up this morning after 2 hours of sleep,
Feeling numb and dumb.
As if I don't know what to do for today.

Here I am, writing away, as always.
I should be studying.
But I can't focus.
I'm feeling dizzy.
Nauseous.
Pain from all over.
Heartache.

Still sitting here alone,
In front of my laptop,
Feeling clueless.

I feel like I should just run.
Or ride a bike.
Or just....
Sit alone in a quiet place...
Somewhere dark...
Isolated.

Maybe that's what I need.
Isolation.

p/s: I just don't know what to feel anymore.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Functional.

I can say that I utilize my 24 hours well enough.
I go to class, then part time work, karate training
Not to mention the assignments.

But I do get tired easily by doing so.
And easily irritated as well.

Footnote: I tire myself out last time, and still that person said that I wasn't supporting him. Nevermind then. (Tahu benda dah lepas, but still...)

"Dah tahu penat, tak payah la kerja."
Well sorry DIVA, I didn't use your money and time, do I?
Did I use your stuff or mess with your schedule?
I don't think so.

"Family kan boleh bagi duit."
Sorrylah, family aku bukan macam family kau.
Kau mintak baju mahal2 parents suap je.
Aku ni nak mintak duit belanja pun malu.

"Kau kan ada PTPTN, takkan tak cukup kot?"
Yeah, samalah macam kau.
Tapi kau mintak jugak duit kat parents kan?
Kau kata tak cukup kan?

"Kau ni keje asyik nak marah je..."
Sorry, I told you I get irritated easily.
Penat sangat.
Penat study, catch up study.
Pernat kerja, melayan kerenah orang.
Kerenah orang tak faham bahasa.
Orang-orang macam kau, yang provoke orang, pastu sentap.
I rarely say this, but...
"PERGI MAMPUS"

"Orang keliling kau dah banyak bersabar dengan kau"
Aku tahu, tapi aku pun ada perasaan jugak.
Kau ingat aku tak terasa ke dengan apa yang orang buat kat aku?
Kau ingat aku tak tahan ke rasa marah aku?
Ingat aku ni jenis cakap lepas ke?

I lost control of my emotions.
I know I hurt people because of this.
But all I ask is for people to understand that I need my space.
I need more time to sort my matters by myself.

But all I get is people provoking my inner anger.
Lepastu sentap.
Manusia.
Kau buat kat orang tak rasa apa2, tapi bila orang buat macam tu kat kau, kau terasa, sentap sedekad.

Don't provoke my inner monster.
I won't be nice anymore.
I won't even care if you're hurt or not,
I'll get things done my way without thinking of anybody else.

Because I am a lone fighter.
I get things done alone.
And I enjoy being alone.
It gives me peace.

p/s: Seems like it's hard to get people to understand what I am going through. I guess I have to live with that.