Sunday, December 17, 2017

The hidden (ugly) truth.

"If our sins can be seen, we would be embarrassed to go out."

I hate myself.
I hate being something I'm not.
I hate it when people say I'm a different person than who I really am.

I hate myself,
Because I was unable to say no.
Because I was unable to resist.
Because I was unable to fight for myself.
And because of that, I hated myself more.

If and only if,
I could fight back
And resist
I would be a different person.
Maybe I wouldn't need to struggle and face this horrible depression.
Maybe I'll have a different view on life,
On people mostly.

But now,
I'm just a pathetic,
Scaredy-cat,
Androphobic young adult.

p/s : Touchy feely, remember what you did?

Flash.

As much as I hate the word 'love' and 'marriage' right now,
I still have compassion.
And a little bit of regret.

What is life without a little risk?
But what I did was more than one little risk,
I took too many.
And, well...

I never *really* told anyone how I was.
What was I thinking every other day since then,
And how I was handling my mind
Which most of time goes cuckoo
And the hands of the clock shows different directions.

I can't lie,
I still can't let go.
But I still can't let go of the first guy too,
Which his smile (forgive me) still haunts me.

But I know I messed up.
It was me.
All of it.

So what did I do?

Take a deep breath,
Let it all out.
I can't forget,
But I won't remember everything.

Looking back,
All of my relationships failed because of my own fault.
No matter how hard I wanted to blame anyone else,
It was actually, SOLELY, on me, alone.

Now I'm really scared to commit.
I shake off the "happy wife, happy mother, happy life" picture of the future.
For good.

I think it is best if I stay committed,
To myself.
It'll take a really long period for me to recover this time.

Deep down I am still waiting for my prince Charming.
But, the next second I don't want to.
I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

So the same question got me up all night,
"Can I be happy like everyone else? Do I deserve it?"

p/s : Maybe I don't...

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Moving solo.

I don't know what bothers me the most right now.

But if it's my ego that I'm not wanting to forgive you,
Then it was your ego that never believed me
And this is how it turned out to be.

I believe me being a single person can make me better.
At least I won't have to deal with all those petty arguments.
Those unnecessary jealousy and your-I-can't-brain issues.

I have to find myself back.
And keeping all the love I have left.
For myself.

Sorry, I just can't do this anymore.
Just live your life, and let me live mine peacefully.

Day: End.