Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Once said.

I once fought with a friend of mine regarding one thing.
Or actually it was so many things.
But the most famous thing we fought was because of ego.

"Jangan ego, Mira."
And didn't that spark everything else after?

Now I don't know if I was really egoistic
Or just stubborn.
But both brought me down.
And helped me getting what I want.
It has a good effect and a bad effect.
Sometimes it's balanced,
But sometimes it dominated over one another.

I was egoistic because I didn't show my true feelings.
And it costs me a few relationships with people.
And it still does.
Maybe because I still am.

p/s: How are you doing now, bruh?

Sense.

My can-be-considered-bestfriends (more like advisers), Jon and Nana, gave me this piece of sentence (might as well be an advice) to me;

"You're hard-headed, that's for sure is your nature. Because that's how you get your things going and what you wanted all these while. But baby, it's both your strength and your weakness. You're too strong, too powerful for some, and you push people away. You shut them out, but you know you needed someone. You're afraid that if they found your soft spot, they'll ruin you, just like the people before this did to you."

I just had one response.

"I know."

So Nana asked this question,

"You know, not to mention any names, but if you don't open up, people might get frustrated and they'll find someone else to share it with. You know what I'm trying to say. But are you okay with it?"

That left me thinking for two hours. And everything replayed in my head.
Because it did happened before.
I just shut my eyes and not wanting to remember it.

But I can't.
How can I?
It felt like the biggest betrayal.
It still haunts me,
Making me feel afraid that it'll happen again.

So I answered her,

"I'm not. But it had happened before. And I just can't get it out of my head."

I guess that response was just too shocking for them,
Because they replied an hour later.
Or maybe they were just busy.
It was a long reply,
And I don't think it's appropriate to paste every single word here
(Because there were a lot of inappropriate, vulgar words. And yeah, there was a debate between us three)
But I think, it might be a right thing to share some (edited).
Maybe it'll benefit others too,
Because if the shoes fit, then just wear them.

"You know deep in your heart that you forgive him. You know you've forgiven the others as well. Your weakness is that you're too afraid. Baby, just fall down, then get up again, stronger and fiercer. You did this before, you can do this again. If all hell break loose, we know there's a spirit of a lioness in you. You can fight back, literally or figuratively speaking.

People hurt you over and over again, you know that'll happen. We know you're afraid things happening again, but you won't be able to move forward with that fear holding your feet.

Right now it seems there are only two choices. Leave everything and everyone, be with yourself, build and repair your character. Or, stay, forgive, and believe. Time will mend everything, but you have to believe. Believe in love, baby. Love exists."

On the side, Jon added,

"Besides, we saw how you were before, when you believe in love. You were very beautiful. Not that now you're a piece of shit, but, you were more radiant before. No offense, baby."

Apparently calling me baby seems to be working for them.
And yes, they did call me baby as I am the youngest among them, birthday ranked.

Then I sleep through it.
Woke up to catch a bus to the library.
Done my Karate grading test.
Then went back to my room.
Then I picked up my phone.
I know what I have to do.

I just need to tell the truth.
Tell everything.
Everything that was bothering me since days before.
But knowing me, not everything was told.
But still, it was a step for me.

In my defense,
I was afraid of falling too deep because,
People often took advantage of kindness, my kindness.
I do forgive people,
But then they repeat the same thing again and again.

Then I told myself,
How stupid am I to let things repeat themselves?

That was when I started to put up walls.
To keep people out.
To keep myself safe and secure.
But heck, didn't that turn out differently than I expected?

I will still have this wall, selfishly, for me.
Time will tell if I am willing to let people in.
But for now, I think I'd feel safer inside this wall.
I have to keep a part of me.

p/s: I realize I wanted to stay alive. I just needed help to do so.

Friday, April 13, 2018

Liar.

Be careful,
She's a liar.
She lies most of the time.

She has the most beautiful smile you've ever seen.
She can make you fall in love with her.
She bedazzles you, every single time you look at her.

But be careful, she knows she can hide her secrets behind her sweet smile.

She lies about being okay.
But she is slowly killing herself from within,
Counting days to drop dead,
And lost without a trace.

She lies about not caring.
But her heart screams for things
That she knows she wants,
But will never be hers.

She lies about forgetting.
But she remembers everything,
Every little hurtful words,
And fights that scars her heart.

She lies about letting things go.
But she knows that she can't.
How could she?
There are evidence of wounds,
From the things that hurt her.

Her biggest lie was,
"I'm happy."
How can she?
Her soul is no longer feeling any happiness.
She tried making others happy,
But she's hurting herself.

Little that she knows,
The petty little things that she said doesn't matter,
Are the ones that scars her the most.

She tries to find beauty in all the pain she's facing,
But she's failing.

p/s: Is there an end to all these?