Thursday, July 6, 2017

La Libertà

And makcik finally have 15 anak buah now.
Penat jaga kakak2 dia yang banyak kerenah.

I actually am dreaming of a vacation.
Outside of my country, inside, who cares.
But I want to be somewhere.
Exploring new places.
New people.
New culture.

Enough of this tiresome life.
Small-minded people.
Full of hatred everywhere.

I wanted to be free.
Free to be myself.
To learn something new.
To find new passion,
New version of me,
And new mindset.

When can I be free?
Free from people,
From people who tried to turn me into something I don't want to be.

p/s : I wish I have the strength to free myself.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

X1

I used to be one of the best student,
One of the top scorer,
High committee of student body and clubs,
And just a little touch of sense.
It was all because I was trying to get my revenge,
On you.

Yes, you are one of the reasons why I worked my butt off during college years.
We broke up, remember?
And I was trying to prove that I can survive.
Without you.
Without mama.
And yes, it worked.

Well, there were some moments that we connected, briefly.
And you backed off because I said that I was in a serious relationship.
That was so.... gentleman-ly of you.
And I am sorry that you broke up with your cute little girlfriend that time.
I sensed that it was because of me...
(Actually she sent me a private msg, but who cares anyway)

Truth to be told, at that moment,
I was still trying to hold on to the bits and pieces that was still there.
Masa tu dah 7 tahun 'Fif, hang rasa camna?
All I thought was, if this is not love, 
Then what is it?

You made me feel things that I can't feel with anyone else.
Not until this one person came and befriended me.
Who is it, you ask?
I'll tell you in some upcoming post.

But all I am trying to say is,
You were part of the reason why I ended up like this.
I don't actually mean it in a bad way,
But we both know we could do better,
And be better.
We were just too young.
Although I never thanked you because you were there when Mama passed away.
And I'm sorry that your friends hate me because I broke your heart and hurt your feelings.
I guess I am a bitch.
*pardon my language*

You think I still haven't moved on?
I don't know myself.
My mind is like an open browser,
And you are one of the tabs that I can't seem to close.
But you know what, I know I am going to regret this,
The thought of you hurts me, so much.

They say let it go, it was all in the past.
And I said that a lot to myself too.
But... you were a part of my memory there.

All I wanted was to be free from the past.
But the shadows of the past keeps haunting and taunting.

p/s : Part 1, done.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Surf.

In this completely "normal" time,
I need a hug,
A really fat cat,
An all-you-can-eat Korean cuisine buffet,
And money to spend on nothing but trouble.

You know the funniest thing about my depressed-state-of-mind,
Is that I overthink things.
Which for a kind hearted person like me,
Means trouble.
Because that's my biggest weakness is,
Being a nice person.

You can screw me over how many times you want,
But I'll still care.
I say I'm mad, but I know deep down,
I still care.
Do you feel lucky to have me?
Or maybe,
Regret that you let me go by myself?

I'd say, I'd go miles for love.
But the truth is, I'm scared.
Those miles recorded before, was it even worth it?
See what damage has been done on me,
You can't undo it.
But no matter what damage,
I'd always be that sweet kind hearted girl you always knew.
Because I'd accept you in your worst times.
No matter how effed up you are.
I'll always have your back.

All you need to do, is do the same for me.
And never, take me for granted.
Because I'll leave when I feel like it.
And I swear that before I leave,
I'll crush every bits and pieces of heart you still have,
And you'll have trouble getting up,
And just by hearing my name will break you apart.

The worst part of having these depression,
You feel like a trash.
Like the world is against you.
Like no one will be there for you when you fall.
That's when suicide came to your thoughts.
I know, because since then,
I've been thinking about it.
How to end my life, which way will be better, etc etc.

And only through here,
You'll know why.

p/s: Let me go already.